2012.10.8 ~ 2013.1.26
As club activity book
CHAPTER 2 (10.12)
I would like to mention that this Chapter 2 is about Solution vs. Empathy.
The most frequent complaint about men from women is that Men don’t listen and the opposite is that Women talk too much. I think these one also could be explained by the “Solution vs. Empathy”.
Personally I myself also have same case with my wife.
If my wife is talking badly of her hard day, I keep trying to give out the solutions to each case such as You should not worry about that, It is not a big deal, Why don’t you just let it go, You cannot change it anymore, and so on. Even though I had read this book in Korean version and have been trying to remember the critical different points of men and women but keep making mistake.
The other way around also same that when I drive a car and get lost, I would not ask any passersby at all and try to find the right way on my own. At this point if my wife says something to me like if you lost the way then just ask anyone here, It is not a shame to ask the way, It is your first time come here there is no way you find out the way… then I am getting really angry at her as well as myself as well. Her comments are right and I also well know of it but I cannot resist from it. These things are because men and women are originated from different planet as this book revealing.
When I get stressed I become very quiet and speechless and need some time to cool me down but my wife wants to keep talking in a great detail of the matters. one day I told her that if you keep talking about the matter It makes me boiled over just give me a 3 or 5 minutes to cool down, not to boiled up, then I would be go back to you to talk again. After that peaceful agreement between me and my wife, Martian & Venusian, We have reduced much of our quarrels until now.
One more time realization from this book reading that Men are talking to find the solution that is sole purpose on the contrast, women are supposed to be talking much to get the empathy from the person whom she love or trust. So Men out there, whenever your girl friend or wife is talking too much to you, it is the time to be quiet and listen to her because she loves and trusts you now.
CHAPTER 3 (10.19)
We are living in a modern society which means that women’s social activity and involvement has become lager that the chance of working with women are getting increasing.
With this social changing movement, if you don’t know the women’s fundamental difference from men It will act as a critical demerit of you not only you have a not very good relationship with your spouse but whole relationship with opposite sex in your overall life.
Men are unwinding by quiet reading or being quiet while women get relaxed by talking in a greater detail.
So all of sudden your husband or boyfriend become very quiet then leave him along, don’t try to talk to him just let him enjoy his cave by himself. once he becomes or solve the problem he has he will come to you and talk.
Or
When your wife or girlfriend is talking every detail about very petty things like what the woman next door bought things today…then just listen without saying or response to each words and think that she is under some kind of stress somewhere.
Same interpretation in your social life, If your female boss call you to see and unfolding everything with long dialogue then she is having some sort of problem at work and one more important thing is that you are the person she has trust in you in your work place.
To solve the problem men become silent while women become talkative!
CHAPTER 4 (10.26)
My wife keep saying to me that she really like any amount of money I give her and thank me a lot.
Actually this simple saying makes me keep bring and hand over the money I got every time.
I think this is exactly what this chapter said that men get motivated when they feel needed.
Even though I know that she is saying it with the evil purpose for me not to hide any money from her I habitually give all the money from my wallet.
Same situation is applicable to office as well.
I usually say to my mail co-worker that our team needs you but to female colleague our team is really taking care of you.
It makes them motivated a lot and they also seem to feel that they are really belonging to our team.
Men motivated by feel needed, women feel cherished.
I will remember it!!
CHAPTER 5 (11. 2)
For this chapter, the man’s cave is not only for the adult’s one but also for little boy, like my first son, 7 years old one too.
The other evening he was mad at me when we played together at living room and went into his toy room all of sudden and even locked the door. When my wife heard his angry at me and the sound of lacking the door, she was also angry and tried to open the door. But I thought about the man’s cave and told my wife just let him be alone. It is his time to go into the cave.
I told my son outside the room that you didn’t need to lack the door, nobody would go in there, not even your little bros. You could stay there as much as you want and when you feel better then you could come out.
He heard that and unlocked door.
He stayed there for something like 10 minutes and came out without any angry at all.
I asked him why he was upset, actually he did not have a clear reason for that but just mad…and when he heard the playing of me and his little bros at living room , he feeled better and came out he said.
I simply thought that Men are from mars...
and my first son is also from mars with me^^
CHAPTER 6 (11. 9)
Through this chapter I also realized that the feeling I want to be alone is male’s natural intimacy cycle. Describing as a rubber band.
Yes, this rubber band is perfect metaphor for men’s feeling wanna be all alone from wife, even from all my family.
I could say the men’s pulling away in the relationship of couple is the “Milddang” in Korean words.
When woman come too closer the man wanna go away and after a while he comes back to her but she push him away…
In my marriage, I give some time to my wife to have her own time with her girlfriends or go to cinema by herself. We use this time with the words “It is time for you to put some air into your nose, the nares”
At that time I could be by myself even if I am alone just at house, I feel better and fresh.
The understand of male intimacy cycle is very important to have a good relationship, I think.
Just one more thing I got from this chapter is that the reason why a group of men cannot have a good discussion, especially at the company meeting the boss keep asking say something...what is your opinion....
It is shown at page 108.
It is hard for men to talk when he doesn’t feel the need to talk and only feel demand.
Men don’t talk for the sake of sharing…
Chapter 7 (12.11.16)
|
While man’s one is like a rubber band a woman’s feeling is like a wave rises and falls in a wave motion. This wave is woman’s natural emotional cycle so it is not a fault nor can’t be fixed, changeable, corrected.
As a man it is a stupid thing to try fixing it or try to bring her up when she is in downswing. Let her go down and wait until she touches the bottom, emotional clear out, then she automatically come up like ride on the upswing wave. As it mentioned above this emotional wave is woman’s born-in nature that nothing or no one can do anything about it then the best thing man can do is make it short the time of coming up again, I think. To quickly go down and thoroughly clear her emotion out and come up again is listen what she is saying and pay attention her talking without any logical analysis or right or wrong. One thing men should remember is that even though she comes up in upswing and becomes happy and cheerful, the problems or the issues she gone down with are NOT solved at all that when she goes down again the very same thing would be mentioned again… At first time I was so frustrated that the exact same comments came from my wife even the words are same like photo copy. Now I assumed it as the problems are placed in the bottom of the well or the down wave’s place and when she goes down she has to face and touch them again spontaneously. |
Chapter 8 (12.11.23)
The Primary love needs of Women and Men
| Women need to receive | Men need to receive | |
| 1 | Caring | Trust |
| 2 | Understanding | Acceptance |
| 3 | Respect | Appreciation |
| 4 | Devotion | Admiration |
| 5 | Validation | Approval |
| 6 | Reassurance | Encouragement |
The most important concept to understand the relationship between men and women is that these different kinds of love are reciprocal.
If man is giving the caring to woman then almost same time woman give the man the trust back.
I think that is very positive and bright aspect of these primary elements for the love.
Then it might be easy for the both to memorize it and put it into action.
If I put this theory in to my case, I would take a big and large care of my wife and listen a lot without any attempt at all and respect her needs or what she wants.
Put her in ahead of anything, the number one priority in my family and admit whatever she request and keep assuring I love you…
I am always saying these to my wife as a lip service and she also knows that I am just saying it but I think she likes to hear very much…^^
I do take care of you only, not my mother
You are the only female I am taking care of
You have the number one priority in our house; the children are next to you.
You are most valuable person at our house
Whatever you need just buy it and it should be the most expensive and luxury one.
I remember your friends’ entire name
Tell me how your day was.
I am always thank you that you are my wife and the mother of my children.
Especially the story of “the knight in shining armor” is very impressive and it could be providing that why men decide to break the marriage, the divorce.
If man has set the mind to divorce then there is the same mind of the knight in his deep inside
Chapter 9 (12.11.30)
Sometimes we’re saying that some argument between couple or husband and wife is necessary but I don’t agree with it. Argument or quarrel is hurting the feeling and furthermore the relationship itself and this book refer that the quarrel would have the love die out.
Even though I am fully aware that the quarrel does not make any help to the relationship but I can’t help having argument with my wife, why is that?
It is simply because Women and Men are totally different and even have different language.
The example of “the anatomy of an argument” in this chapter is showing clearly the typical case what I had quarrelsome conversation with my wife.
When I told about any kind of investment, she was not happy at all and even upset with me and began to explain how our home finance state was and how hard it managed.
But my point was not immediate action to take but a vague or initial plan, not a concrete one at all. Then I explained why investment was so important at our age, you didn’t need to worry too much but her anger was getting bigger. Then I was finally mad at her that why she get upset at my plan itself then she apologized but the mood between us was totally ruined.
One thing I would like to clearly mention here is that if some guy is talking about the future plan or something to woman, then it is sure that the man loves her so much that he actually wants to have a long and consistence relationship with her. This is the main reason why I got mad at my wife when she upset at my future investment plan which was merely certain kind of dream and plan in the future.
Now I have understood what her mind was like. Under any case, I have to listen what she is saying first and agree with her. If she is upset then I have to say “Sorry if my saying made you angry”
It took almost 2 years that I admitted the wife’s holly right of angry. In Korean, 화 낼 수도 있지!! 와이프가 화 낼 수도 있지! 마누라가 화 낼 수 있지! 며느리가 화 낼 수도 있지!
Until now my wife keep over using this right of angry to me^^…
However, since I admitted this undeniable right of wife, there have been far less quarrels occurred.
Chapter 10 (12.12. 7)
Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex
Normally men think he is doing great thing at work making living for his family and deserved to take rest at home doing nothing and also believe that this works same in women’s mind but by this chapter it is totally wrong concept, only men’s sheer expectation.
To women’s scoring system all things has evenly same 1 point regardless the size or the seriousness of matters.
It means that working at office and brings back the salary is same with empting the garbage at one time to women’s scoring system.
Characteristically women need to have lots of love ｅxpressions from her partner all the time. It could be described like this; women have a tank of love to be filled and only when the tank is full they feel loved not lower than full of it. That is why women require a lot of love ｅxpression to keep the love tank full.
It sounds like very difficult for man to do it but if you take a closer look at how trivial they are you will be surprised.
Men have the tendency to focus on only a few of major things and forget other small things and not to give any help to others unless she asked for help.
On the contrast, women are giving help without being asked and care about all the small things to others and this is what love are women believed.
These fundamental differences make the “Relationship flu”; so what I called.
Woman does not ask and man does not give help then woman thinks that he does NOT love nor care for her then she does not appreciate and it make him not to show any loving care to woman
To cure this “Relationship flu” woman and man need to do below
| Woman | Man |
| Ask man to do clearly what she want him to do. | Do small things for her before she ask. |
| Show appreciation what he did for her. | Show intimate and attentive care to woman. |
| Give him another chance if he fails to do something | If anything went wrong, say sorry to her first. |
| All man want from her is “Thank you” | All woman want from him is “care for her” |
| When man makes a mistake it is good chance to get more point from him. Forgive him and trust his next chance |
Don’t give penalty point to her Instead of penalty, give your attentive care to her then more appreciation return to you. |
Instead of Relationship flu, The Good Relationship Cycle will go like this way
If man pays true care for her, she will show deep appreciation to him. It will make man more confidence in the relationship and pay more attention to her and more attention makes her to trust him firmly and so on and on…
Let’s make our family very lovely house then do something better for our society like some oriental idiom goes
Chapter 12 (13.1.12)
This chapter 12 is all explaining to women how to ask for support and get it from men.
Women tend not to ask to others with the conception that the other are already aware of what women need but this is applicable only to same women not to men who never know what women want and need unless women directly tell or ask to.
Women intuitively feel the needs of others and give whatever they can and women’s motto is “Love is never having to ask!”. That is why women tend to want to receive anything without any further asking.
But men are supposed to be asked if he is not asked he think that he is doing fine and giving enough not to be asked any more.
There are typical 3 steps to ask men and get what women want
1st Step - Ask correctly for what you are already getting
- Show him a lot of appreciation, don’t take him for granted. Men are motivated by appreciation.
- Non-demanding attitude asking
- Ask briefly and directly; no long explanation why he has to help her
- Use “Would” instead of “Could”
2nd Step- Practice asking for more
- By the step 1, Men feel appreciated and in loved in her presence and stretching his ability to support her.
- Let him realize that he can say “No” and still received her love.
- Make him feel free to say “Yes” or “No” and accept whatever his answer to you.
- The simple answer to men’s “No” is “OK” is good enough
- Use men’s reject for the next time’s positive support so that keep asking even if you know that men’s answer is “No” for now.
- Health relationship is that feel free to ask and say “yes” or “no”
- Accepting “No” is very important in relationship.
-
3rd Step- Practice assertive asking
- The art of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have made a request
- Man’s grumbles are a sign of considering her request so that it is a good sign
I think that if women fully understand this chapter and apply it to her daily life then she would have better life than ever before. Personally I also like woman asks directly rather than wishing something without any urging of it.
Chapter 13 (Jan 26, 2013) the last one
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